A Complicated Answer

MargauxMeade asked me a great question in her comment on my post Former Lovers, which has been my most-commented-on-drama-filled post to date. It also is probably the most personal. And the comments were great. I love comments - they make me feel like my blog is actually allowing me to connect with others. I felt that this question deserved its own post.

MargauxMeade asked:

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind elaborating on how you viewed your wife and your relationship with her at the time.

In which she was referring to my statement: "I abandoned my wife... to use women that I did not love. I used them to get a... fix that porn could not match... I did this because I couldn't get the same fix with my wife because I was too busy lying to and avoiding connection with her."

So here goes...
First, during my acting out, I loved my wife. When I was having affairs, my love for my wife was what was tearing me apart deep inside. My love for my wife was making me miserable when I was sleeping with other women. There was never a point when I did not love my wife. That may sound unbelievable, but I know it to be true.

I think that the most difficult to understand/explain passage of my quote is this:
"...couldn't get the same fix from my wife..."

The "fix" was what my addiction provided: a physiological rush that changed my mood and emotional status for a short time so that I could temporarily avoid (medicate) an unpleasant feeling. A pleasant experience (fix/high) to take away the unpleasant experience; I learned these behaviors as a kid. It was how I learned to take care of myself. I could make myself feel better by acting out.

Now that I am no longer allowing myself to act out, I have to do one of two things when I encounter an unpleasant situation:
1 - feel unpleasant
2 - learn new/healthier ways to cope with these feelings

My wife part of option #2. Since getting into recovery, our relationship has become much more intimate. I am able to share with her much more than I used to share. She helps me to work through issues that I used to keep to myself. Issues that used to drive me into my addiction. But it's more than just my wife - I have a whole spiritual program in place. I meditate, meet with other sex addicts, call my sponsor, and do recovery work (like this blog).

So my wife is now part of my new "high"

Step work has been a big part of option #1 for me. Working through my fears, angers, and resentments has helped me to understand their basis in my life and how to minimize them. I can feel uncomfortable without wanting to act out now. That's taken some time.

I think the key here is that my addiction was never about my wife. She struggles with that concept. From what I understand, most spouses of sex addicts do. So I think that it's important for me to stress that point. My sex addiction was never about my wife.

My sex addiction was about one person: me. Me taking care of me in the way that had learned to. By acting out. Now I'm learning healthier ways to take care of myself... and that, my friends, is the purpose of this blog.

Thanks for reading!