What Acting Out Felt Like

I wrote these statements out for someone who wanted to know what acting out felt like and what it felt like to be unable to stop.  They wanted me to describe it in a way that a non-addict might be able to connect with; something the would explain the experience if you had no experience with addiction.  This was very difficult to think my way through, and put my mind in an uncomfortable place, which I had posted about previously.  I have never analyzed my thoughts and feelings while acting out or trying to stop... I had just done what I had always done: act out.  Going back to those experiences in my mind and try to distill some of the feelings and thought process was difficult, but very helpful for me, I think.  Although these statements can't convey the intensity of my experience, they are a start. 

Well, anyway... here are the results of that exercise.

What acting out felt like:

• I was constantly thinking about the next time I would be able to act out.  The time spent acting out would consume me; hours would slip by in front of the computer.  Every time I did act out, guilt and shame would consume me.  I would vow over and over to "never do that again..." only to act out again days, hours, or minutes later.  I felt trapped in a cycle of sexual excitement and shame.  
• I couldn't control my thoughts; I felt like they controlled me.  My brain would wander from one sexual fantasy to the next throughout the day.
• I couldn't stop thinking about sex.  Everything was sexualized and all my free time was consumed by pornography or sexual fantasy.  
• Viewing pornography (acting out) was a huge rush.  The risk of being caught by my wife (or my parents when I was younger) fueled my excitement even more.  I found that over time I had to change things to achieve the same kind of rush; I found myself viewing forms of pornography that had been repulsive months before.  The images from pornography also began to invade my fantasy life.

Inability to stop:

• I vowed over and over to stop looking at pornography.  I hated the way I felt after using it.  Sometimes I would sob out loud.  I would contemplate suicide.  I screamed at myself and at God when I was alone.  But I kept coming back to it because it numbed the pain; nothing else could do that.  Nothing else created that rush.
  
• Acting out took me away from my problems and made me feel good for a short while.  While I was being sexual, I didn't think about my problems.  I found myself drawn to that sexual state, despite the shame it always led me to afterwards.
• I felt like something was wrong with me; that my sex drive was much stronger than was normal for others.  Or that my will was much weaker than normal.  I couldn't say "no" to sexual thoughts or desires.  I was consumed by them.
• Acting out always made me feel good.  It also always made me feel horrible afterwards.  But I didn't care about the horrible part while I was acting out.  I very rarely thought about the consequences of what I was doing.
• I felt like I was trying to satisfy unquenchable, uncontrollable sexual urges all the time.  My life felt out of control.  Trying to satisfy my sexual urges was like trying to fill a bottomless hole.