Relapse. March 20th. I had been getting close to 18 months of sobriety... had bought an 18 month medallion for myself to celebrate.
I felt like I did everything right. I went to meetings, checked in about what was going on in my life, was meditating and repeating my mantram. I still feel frustrated about it; like there was no way around it. Life had been unbelievably stressful during the two weeks leading up to that day and we were about to go on a huge vacation.
I'm still talking about it with my therapist and my sponsor in order to prevent it in the future. But I'm not dwelling on the "lost" sobriety time or the feelings of shame. It doesn't matter; I was sober for over a year. That's out-fucking-standing, really, when you consider the last 18 years of my life in sexual addiction. I've never had that kind of break from my sexual compulsions. Ever.
I'm focusing on the solution, not the problem.
I'm totally psyched for the SAA International Convention this weekend! Last year's was incredible, and I'm sure that this year's will be as well. I'm representing my meeting as a delegate and will be able to vote on the motions that have been proposed this year. It's very exciting to be able serve in this capacity; representing my friends back home = )
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
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7 comments:
It's always the right time to get back on the wagon. I sure can identify with having to start over.
BTW, not sure if I ever thanked you for putting a link to my "resentments" post on your blog. Thanks!
You're right in focusing on the solution and not the problem. It's good to see people opening up and being honest!
I know you're familiar with the Sesxual Addiction Screening Test, but you can also download and watch/share it here:
Sexual addiction Screening TestDefinitely share that with everyone you can! God bless!
I hope the convention went well. Sorry to hear about your slip/relapse. Glad to hear you're back on board and ready to give recovery another shot.
I stopped counting days of sobriety early in recovery because I used them as a way to justify acting out -- a reward.
So glad to hear from you, Ken. I hear your frustration and your determination to get back on track. I've learned much from my relapses, about myself and my disease. I'm glad that you see the victory in your year+ of sobriety. I hope you can rejoice in what a wonderful thing it is to be sober again, to be able to breathe deeply, look in the mirror, and know you're not bound to the lies. I needed to read this post tonight. We can be thankful for our sobriety, our serenity, today.
I know how you feel, Ken. I acted out about a year ago and "sacrificed" five years continuous sobriety. And I was working my program diligently as well.
What happened was there was a wave of negative emotion too big for me and my sobriety to handle. I got washed out. And I've been rebuilding since. What I've rebuilt is much better than before.
For you, this:
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. ~Winston Churchill
and, this:
Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally. ~David Frost
You own every day of sobriety you achieved, are achieving, and will achieve. Relapse blows chunks; getting back on the wagon: priceless.
I hope today was a better day.
Ken, congratulations on nearly 18 months of sobriety and best of luck restarting one day at a time. I'll be at the convention this week as well, on the COSA side of things. Maybe I'll see you there!
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