Still Struggling Onward

It's been two months since my last post... and reviewing what I wrote saddens me a little bit, because not much has changed except that my attitude has gotten worse.  I'm still struggling with relapse, resentful that my life has changed so much, and that it seems so much more difficult now than ever before.

"Having a child changes everything."  How many times have I heard those words?  I never disbelieved them, that's why my wife and I waited quite a few years before starting the child-rearing part of our lives.  It might have been easier, maybe, if we had started right out of college.  Now I'm a little more selfish and set in my ways.  Maybe it wouldn't have mattered; I was selfish and set in my ways back then, too.  I guess it doesn't really matter because I am here today with a kid, a wife with a full time job, and my own full time job (and a free lance one on the side).  My wife changed her job arrangements, though, and will soon be working part time.  That will be a very good thing for both of us.

I've changed sponsors, have been making an effort to connect with other recovering sex addicts and trying hard to make it to one meeting a week.  One meeting a week is my "baseline" that I try hard to maintain.  I find that when I drop to less than that, my recovery work suffers. 

I'm reworking step four with my new sponsor, because it seems like I've been building up a lot of fear, resentment, and anger in the last 4 months and not dealing with it properly.

I'm also going to try to check in here a little more often.  When I blog or talk about what's going on in my life it helps me to process my emotions and thoughts in a rational, healthy way.  At least, that works for me.  With that in mind, I also just called my therapist and left a message to schedule an appointment - I haven't met with her in about 5 months.  That's way too long.

I'm missing the SAA international convention this year, which saddens me.  This is the first year I've missed the convention since I became active in SAA.  But it's okay; I have a lot of important things to take care of here at home right now.  I need to focus on my recovery, my son, my marriage, and improving my attitude around things like work.

Thank you to all my friends that have commented, sent emails, or called in the last few months.  I appreciate my extended recovery network very much.  I must admit that I haven't had a chance to hit my rss reader and catch up on any of your blogs in the last 5 months or so, but I hope to do so soon.

One day at a time.