I've been holding back from posting a lot of the details of my daily struggles. I think that I need to start posting more in order to get the benefits I had hoped for in starting this blog. My goal when posting here was to treat it like an SAA meeting; I could say whatever was going on in my life as it related to recovery, which would allow me to safely (anonymously) process the volatile emotions and thoughts that get bottled up inside my head and heart. This helps to remove some of their power and aids me in my recovery. But lately I've been censoring this blog so much (or just not posting) that I feel it's really not helping me as much as it used to. I need to say more than I am.
Why the reserve? Why hold back my crazy?
There have been a couple of reasons:
Reason one: Back when I "bottomed out" (see the link to left of my "how I got here" posts), my wife set up my recovery account that I use for email, blogging, and step work. I had been using my old email address for contacting acting out partners and there was a lack of trust in our marriage, so she set up the account and had access to it. She no longer has access, but I was fairly certain she knew the address of this blog and I have been careful when wording my posts with the thought that she might read them at some point in the future.
Reason two: I'm afraid to let my crazy out, which has a lot to do with the shame I feel about my acting out behaviors. This is holding me back in my recovery. I've been living with my shame again and although I've been honest about my issues with my sponsor and several close recovery friends, my schedule prevents me from meeting with them as often as I'd like. This blog was supposed to supplement those communication lines.
So I had a conversation with my wife the other day and according to her, she doesn't remember the blog address. We had a conversation about how this blog is like a diary and the importance of privacy where something like this is concerned. We both need outlets for our crazy and we both respect each other's privacy when it comes to having an emotional outlet. It was a good conversation, but I still feel nervous knowing that if she did have a bit of a breakdown, she could probably find this blog with some effort... even if she doesn't remember the address off the top of her head.
So I have considered changing the address. I've also considered buying a domain name and hosting my own content with wordpress. I don't know. But right now I'm stuck between holding back my crazy and letting it all out all over the place. And I've got some serious crazy to let out...
So I need to decide:
Do I start a new site/blog to avoid the potential spouse issue I've mentioned? If I do start a new blog or change the address of this one... how do I best avoid leaving all my readers in the dark?
Do I trust and go ahead with posting my insanity here anyway?
I'm just not sure...
But I need to decide soon before my head explodes with crazy.
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If you're looking for a new place to host your site, I would highly recommend taking a look at Posterous.com. You can designate individual posts as "private" or "public," which could help for those times that you don't want your crazy to be visible to the world. The private posts are password-protected and don't show up in an RSS feed or publicly on your site. It's also MUCH easier to use than Wordpress. (Trust me - I was a Wordpress fanatic for years.) It doesn't have all the widgets and bells and whistles that Wordpress or Blogger has, but if you're looking for a simple outlet to be able to write, it's more than perfect.
They give you full control of the HTML/CSS (for free!), and you have the option to use a custom domain if you like.
There is nothing wrong with wanting some privacy as it relates to this kind of stuff. My only concern is that if it becomes too private, then you run the risk of relapsing back into the behaviors that fuel the addiction.
Ultimately, I think it is the simple act of writing is the thing that is helpful to an addict. I know it helps me. It doesn't really matter where we write, just as long as we are writing. Getting it out. Not isolating ourselves inside our crazy brains. I keep a regular pen-and-paper journal, and I find myself writing there much more often than my blog. It's like doing a mini Step 4 every night before I go to bed. Plus it keeps me off the computer, which is a plus.
"Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, ... the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach" (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions [1981], 43).
I like this article. Do you want to see more about sex addiction go to
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/05/erp-break-out-of-your-addictive-cycle.html
The above link describes 'How to Stop Porn Addiction?'
My own blog if you ever feel like you're going losing it alone. Please feel free to share it with others ... http://mysexrecoveryblog.blogspot.com
I too am a sex addict in recovery and this is the first I've seen of yor blog. I appreciate your wilingness to share with all of us who struggle. As a fellow recovering addict (RA), just remember that the addictions power comes from holding inside. Do not let that power creep back into yoru soul. IF I may ask, What are you doing daily as part of your recovery efforts?
Thanks for sharing.
Trust your wife. If she said she doesn't remember, then she doesn't remember. Also, she has no interest in looking for your blog. She just wants you to get better. I let loose on my own blog and it feels great. Check it out some time. Be sure to post a comment so I know you stopped by. I don't hold back. You should do the same.
hi ken
i'm trying to weigh the consequences of telling my wife about my addiction. she knows i'm always hungry but i'm sure she doesn't know the extent of my hunger. today i felt like i was going to explode and had to take time out and cool off. i'm worried also about her finding out about me the hard way. we've only been married for a couple months over a year, and every day feels like a losing battle. i suspect my father had the same problem but he acted out on his urges all the time, whereas I saw the damage that had caused my mother and i feel morally bound not to treat my wife in the same manner but god its so hard. i'm attempting another stint of abstinence from everything but her but you know how its going to be hard. wish me luck.
I am the wife a sex addict and if I were you, I would just leave it as it is. If you write it in your blog, you should be able to share it with your wife. If I were your wife, my defenses would immediately go up if you said you changed your site address, as if you had something to hide. Honesty is extremely important, as is communication. If your wife was to accidentally stumble across your blog, then she should come to you with things that you said that hurt her. JMHO.
Ya know, I would just like ONE person who is a SA (could be YOU!)to write/share what your world is really, really like. Total Honesty. What exactly goes on in a SA's mind...
It would help us that are in relationship w/ SA's...
I have NOT found a blog yet that does this...
I also have a new blog some might find of interest:
www.sexaddictiondiary.blogspot.com
I agree, trust your wife. and besides according to you, both of you respect each privacy. maybe you should consider the feelings of your wife even though she is not aware of this site, because time will come it will blow to your wife's face so before it happen think of the reason how will you admit it w/ her. your wife love's you for sure and time will come she will understand you.
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