So I've decided to stick it out with this blog. I trust that my spouse is honoring my privacy in not seeking out this blog address since we both view it as a needed outlet much like a journal or diary would serve. I've also put way too much time, effort, and pain into this blog to feel comfortable letting it go.
I've been in struggling with relapse since early in the year, as mentioned in earlier posts. That cycle has continued and I'm growing frustrated with what I usually perceive to be a lack of progress in my personal growth. Most of my struggles have been with internet pornography, although compulsive masturbation has also been causing some problems.
Am I stagnating? Is sobriety the only measurement I can use to gauge my progress as a human being? Can I be struggling with relapse on a regular basis and still be making progress towards becoming a healthier individual on a holistic level? Can I be advancing in wisdom and spiritual growth while struggling with my emotional and sexual health?
As of right now I have been clean for 5 days and hope to continue that stretch.
Parenthood and Prozac
Have you ever gotten a wound that you didn't notice at first? Then when you spot the bloody mess you realize very suddenly what's happened and the pain rushes in full force as if it had been held back, waiting to be released when you finally noticed?
That was what it was like to realize that I've been struggling with depression. I'm not sure how long the depression has been there, because I had never thought about my emotional state being out of the ordinary. I assumed that it was normal for me to feel hopeless, disconnected, and sad most of the time because I had never thought about what it would be like to feel any different. I have been living in "quiet desperation" during my day to day life for quite a while... regardless of my sobriety/recovery status.
I've also had a recent recurrence of OCD-like thought patterns and behaviors that are causing mental anguish. When I was a kid I would have these terrible thoughts that I couldn't stop repeating in my head endlessly. They went away at some point in high school, but appear to be returning.
After consulting with my therapist, we decided that it was time for me to see a psychiatrist to address the OCD symptoms and depression. I'm now taking prozac, which should help with both, but we won't know for a few weeks when the medication has really started to take effect. I'm hopeful that I will experience some relief from these mental hiccups. I'm also hoping to be included in the number of people experiencing decreased libido as a side effect of the medication. To me, that "side effect" is enough reason by itself to take the drug!
Watching my son grow up has been amazing... it makes me wonder how and why my parents where so detached from me as a child. I wonder if he will struggle with mental health issues and sexual addiction. I hope that my personal growth will help me to be a better father than mine...
I've been in struggling with relapse since early in the year, as mentioned in earlier posts. That cycle has continued and I'm growing frustrated with what I usually perceive to be a lack of progress in my personal growth. Most of my struggles have been with internet pornography, although compulsive masturbation has also been causing some problems.
Am I stagnating? Is sobriety the only measurement I can use to gauge my progress as a human being? Can I be struggling with relapse on a regular basis and still be making progress towards becoming a healthier individual on a holistic level? Can I be advancing in wisdom and spiritual growth while struggling with my emotional and sexual health?
As of right now I have been clean for 5 days and hope to continue that stretch.
Parenthood and Prozac
Have you ever gotten a wound that you didn't notice at first? Then when you spot the bloody mess you realize very suddenly what's happened and the pain rushes in full force as if it had been held back, waiting to be released when you finally noticed?
That was what it was like to realize that I've been struggling with depression. I'm not sure how long the depression has been there, because I had never thought about my emotional state being out of the ordinary. I assumed that it was normal for me to feel hopeless, disconnected, and sad most of the time because I had never thought about what it would be like to feel any different. I have been living in "quiet desperation" during my day to day life for quite a while... regardless of my sobriety/recovery status.
I've also had a recent recurrence of OCD-like thought patterns and behaviors that are causing mental anguish. When I was a kid I would have these terrible thoughts that I couldn't stop repeating in my head endlessly. They went away at some point in high school, but appear to be returning.
After consulting with my therapist, we decided that it was time for me to see a psychiatrist to address the OCD symptoms and depression. I'm now taking prozac, which should help with both, but we won't know for a few weeks when the medication has really started to take effect. I'm hopeful that I will experience some relief from these mental hiccups. I'm also hoping to be included in the number of people experiencing decreased libido as a side effect of the medication. To me, that "side effect" is enough reason by itself to take the drug!
Watching my son grow up has been amazing... it makes me wonder how and why my parents where so detached from me as a child. I wonder if he will struggle with mental health issues and sexual addiction. I hope that my personal growth will help me to be a better father than mine...
3 comments:
Thank you for sharing your story and continuing your blog. I'm in a relationship with a sex addict and I find it helpful and insightful to hear the stories and understand the struggles of other addicts. I get so frustrated with him sometimes, but your story sounds so familiar and gives me odd hope even as read about your struggles.
Hi Brother...so good to see you have the guts and have got back up again and writing...it encourages me who has just been wallowing in a pit of life just going day after day.... doing okay and falling flat on my face.Its not easy and I identify with so much you say...especially the mental state that goes with it all.You are a great encouragement with your honesty and your open heart. Keep in touch on your blog so that others can take heart from what you have to say....you certainly provide me with a genuine reality touch as I go in my haze of addictions and mental state...
Ken, so glad you are sticking with blogging. I've decided to return to it myself. I need some outlet for expressing myself and the blog gave me a good place to do that.
I understand about relapse and if my life is any indication -- yes, you can be moving forward and still struggling to get sober and stay sober. When I am sober I feel a lot more peace, energy and like being alive. That's my incentive for staying sober most days. Other days ... well, you know how it is.
Thanks for being here.
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