The increased dose of prozac has all but snuffed out my libido. It is very strange indeed for a sex addict to not feel sexual all the time. For those readers who are not sex addicts, I'm not sure I can convey how terrifying it is to have my drug of choice taken away from me. It's always been there in my mind, ready to go. Whenever I get angry, tired, depressed, resentful... my sexual fantasies were always there, ready to kick my body into "let's have sex" mode. Not anymore. My libido has been crushed by two small capsules taken twice daily.
I've been struggling to find new ways to cope. Pot, nicotine, coffee, whatever.
The only sexual behavior that still seems to bring on a rush is flirting. Which quickly escalates into more than flirting. The rush I get when I know a girl is obsessed with me is indescribable, just like the rush from porn. But when you're flirting with another live person, there is also an intense ego boost. When you can turn someone on with a word because you've gotten so good at manipulation, that is a rush. I'm ashamed to confess that I feel a little bit of pride in this manipulation. Some people would call it charm. I know better.
My addiction ALWAYS escalated from porn to flirting to affairs. It's a little frightening that the whole first third of this escalation no longer provides me with any relief from the symptoms of life. I have to jump straight to flirting to escape reality.
It seems like this will make it easier to stay sober, since my relapses are mostly with porn. But this also increases the risk that if I do relapse, it will be big.
At least, that's how things look at the moment.
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3 comments:
I hope you are doing therapy as well as medication. Prozac did the same for me but not good since I am married to a Sa. On effexor now and lots of therapy. This is a lonely addiction and hard to find people to talk to. I wish you all the luck in the world and like reading your blog. Thank you.
Aileen
Figuring out how to live sober is so difficult.
People who aren't sex addicts can't imagine how difficult this really is. Like exactly when does a conversation move from just conversing to flirting? Does it count as acting out? How do you stay a nice person but not be "charming" when some of that depends on how you're received? Is just talking to a woman count as slippery behavior? On and on.
For me, I can go round and round with this sort of thing, particularly with fantasy. But when I'm actively doing stuff in my outer circle, then it becomes a moot point for at little while.
:) Maybe try the phone as well as the nicotine, coffee.
It sounds like you're starting to hack at the branches of your addiction, but you haven't quite dug to the root yet. Your post reminds me of a paragraph from the AA Big Book when it talks about Step 4 and the vital importance of doing a thorough personal inventory:
"As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your addictive behaviors. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best. You will continue with your original addiction or switch to another one. Your addiction is a symptom of other “causes and conditions” (Alcoholics Anonymous [2001], 64)
As a fellow addict, I pray you don't switch your existing addiction for another after you've eradicated this one with pills.
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